Another “Creative” Dating Message I Sent

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This girl on okcupid said attepting to write witty emails stressed her out, and she’d rather just skip to the getting-a-drink stage. So I thought I’d save her the trouble and write her responses for her. Enjoy.

 

Writing witty emails can definitely be stressful. Fortunately for you, I can write both parts.

Hey there!

You seem swell. I’d consider going as far as neat-o. Anyone into Kazuo Ishiguro and Jhumpa Lahiri is cool in my book. I think you should read some China Mieville just to round out the awesome name triumvirate, though.

What exactly is brand management? Have you ever smooshed the words together and said you work in brandagement? If not, you clearly need to start. That’s a gold mine of hilarity, right there.

How’s the decorating going? Did you ever decide to take a class?

Later!

-Colin

P.S. Was NC really so bad that you couldn’t wait to get to Hoboken?

Dear Colin,

Thanks for the compliment! I like to think I’m swell too, but only from the neck down. Otherwise I’d get a swell head! Ba dum cha.

I’ve never read any Mieville, what’s he/she like? You should read some Chinua Achebe, if we’re hunting cool foreign author names.

Brand management is [insert what it actually is here]. [Now tell a hilarious anecdote from your job. Include something that sounds self-deprecating but actually reflects well on your competence and ability to think outside the box.]

The decorating’s going great. I’m really getting into an Art Nouveau thing. My cubist curtains are a thing to behold.

NC was… well, that story’s better told in person. Letters on a page cannot do it justice.

So what’s the deal with all the balloons?

Sincerely,

[Your Name Here]

P.S. Are you really going to keep writing both parts of this conversation?

Dear [Your Name Here],

No, I’m afraid I’m not going to keep writing both parts. I’m clearly reaching the point where continuing this bizarre idea would strain the limits of credulity and proper first message length. But how’s about we grab a drink sometime?

Later!

-Colin

Colin,

I’m afraid this isn’t going to work. It’s not you, it’s your version of me. Just pretend I never messaged you back in the first place; our lives would have been so much simpler.

Goodbye forever,

[Your Name Here]

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One Response to “Another “Creative” Dating Message I Sent”

  1. Zel Kuroi Says:

    The heart is indeed a lonely hunter.

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