The Harry Moonshine Cheeseball Factory

by
Once upon a time there was a hamster named Jebas. He lived on a heroin farm with his twin brother Judas. It was slightly confusing for the two hamsters from time to time because both their names started with J, but you, my dear reader, are going to get the fuck over it. Jebas is the hamster with the little freckle on his nose and Judas is the other one. It’s not that hard, Jesus Christ.
So the other day Jebas–
Wait, stop.
So the other day Judas was in town getting some habanero peppers, the crucial ingredient in his brand new, mother fuckin’, completely insane, nuclear trick.
It was a trick the likes of which the world had never seen. Except Jebas. Because Jebas was a dick.
Jebas bossed around everyone on the heroin farm. “GROW THAT HEROIN HARDER, BOYS!” Jebas would scream from his bedroom window as he counted his hamstercoin. “THERE’LL BE SCARCE ENOUGH FOR YOUR PAYCHECKS AT THIS POINT!” he stuffed the money greedily under his bed.
At that very moment, Judas returned from the market bearing the habanero peppers for his invention.
“AND WHAT IS THAT” young Jebas said to Judas who was also pretty young because they were twins.
“Excuse me, my kind brother, may I suggest to you that it would be in your best interest to desist from investigation of these particular goods?” Judas asked as he raised his sawed-off double-ought shotgun toward his hamsterkin.
“OH WHATEVER FUCK OFF”
“And if you’d kindly back the fuck away.”
“I knew you’d give in eventually,” Jebas said, smirking. “He kept suggesting it.”
Jebas pulled out a sheet of paper. “I’ll tear it,” he said. “I REALLY WILL.”
THREE WEEKS EARLIER
Jebas and Judas sat opposite from each other in the dark and smelly room. A chessboard sat between them. Unfortunately, neither of them could access it. Both their hands were bound behind them.
The door burst open and their archnemesis, a walking taco that pooped dripping mounds of ice cream, which is apparently a character from South Park, but who cares, came in and said “WHOSE MOUTH AM I SHITTING IN TODAY.”
Both Jebas and Judas suddenly looked at him in surprise and wonder and joy and wanted the sweet analingus of the talking shitting taco.
BACK IN THE PRESENT
“No, not the coupon for the free ice cream!!” screamed Judas. “YOU WOULDN’T!!”
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