Dealing.

by

Google “deal with anger.” You can go ahead. The links look ok. They’ve got the right titles: “10 Powerful Ways to Deal with Anger,” “How to Deal With Anger,” but when you click thorough, you find that they’re worthless. They’re all about how to prevent anger. How to “dissolve” anger. How to prevent your anger from causing a discussion to tailspin.

I don’t need that.

I don’t want that.

I want somebody to tell me what to do with my anger when I do have it. I want somebody to put some bad guys in front of me to hit. But that’s no good, is it? I’m not that competent. I don’t have special abilities. Really, I don’t even hit that hard.

It makes me want to take up sculpting. Hammering at stone, pounding until chunks are literally ripped from the block. Except that’s not how it works. You won’t get much of a sculpture that way.

Maybe I should run. Some people run. It just makes me feel tired. Irritable, mopey, instead of angry.

My body is full of a flowing, swelling energy, and I know that I have power like no other time. I can channel this. I can make it something.

But no.

Instead, it slowly seeps away, leaving me sad. Crying is really a step down from feeling like you’re overflowing with power. Now you feel vulnerable. You want someone to care for you, sympathise with you, stroke you, hold you, but you feel pitiful approaching someone like this. Love me, you’d be saying, only less. Tell me I matter. I feel even worse when you say it, because I know it’s not true.

But even this self loathing is not a resting place. Because you know that you do good things. They may not be many, and they may not matter the way you’d like, but you know that you can be competent, and that there are people who have so much more to bemoan – it makes you feel like a thief, stealing even the deserved sadness from the unfortunate.

But something sparks a thought of the topic of your frustration, and a little spark of anger flares, but it does not catch. It turns into a heavy, black coal, seething and tugging at your innards, forever straining downward.

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2 Responses to “Dealing.”

  1. Chris Poirier Says:

    I hit things. Or throw things. I find it cathartic to do something intensely physical. I used to hit cement walls with my fist, but that did a lot of damage to my knuckles. Now, I use a punching bag. Or, if you can get one of those anti-stress balls, throwing them with all your might at a wall can work, too — it takes longer than the hitting, but it’s also easier on your body, long term.

    I will say that allowing my anger to have its head has proven useful. The idea that it is purely negative and should be avoided, I think, is pretty silly — you just end up internalizing it, that way, and that’s never a good thing. Trust me. That anger came from somewhere. Allowing yourself to be in it — to act on it — helps you process it, to figure out where it came from — especially if you are a kinesthetic learner. For my part, finding out the root sources of my anger has allowed me to make changes that have been solidly for the better.

    Chris.

  2. Ilene Frank Says:

    Maybe a chocolate bar would help! I know once we’re feeling angry, it’s difficult to figure out what to do with it – but remembering that “anger” is really fear/frustration/sadness/hurt and trying to get to the bottom of it might get the adrenaline to stop and get some seratonin flowing again.

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