Early Draft of Short Short – The Jersey Phoenix

by

Probably melodramatic.  Needs a lot of work.  Could be a 55 someday or something larger.  Eschews sentence subjects.

 

The Jersey Phoenix

by Ari Collins

 

You’re a phoenix.  You burn my eyes, my flesh, the soles of my feet.  You breathe nothing but hot air, breathe steam that creates a lakeside mirage and obscures the forest.  Now you’re burning yourself at the cross of your own witchery.  But without the spectacle, alone in your apartment.  Burning out.

I wake every morning hoping you’ll rise from your ashes.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

One Response to “Early Draft of Short Short – The Jersey Phoenix”

  1. annoying Says:

    If you’re going for 55, then you might want to say, “you burn my eyes, my flesh, my feet”. Now that I type it, you might want to use something other than flesh with that shortened form; maybe hands. There’s also something about the double use of ‘breathe’ that, at least as it is now, doesn’t quite work for me. That could just be me though. Maybe, ‘you breathe nothing but hot air; it’s steam creates a lakeside mirage and obscures the forest’? You’ll probably come up with something better, but maybe this will give you some ideas.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: