Update: Working at Burger King and Discovering the Most Hilarious Temp Agency in Existence

by

Long time no blog.

So I was desperate enough for a paycheck from any job whatsoever that I turned to the local Burger King.  It turns out that not only do Burger King jobs suck even more than I thought, but I actually suck at Burger King jobs.  We’re a perfect fucking match, all for the low low price of $7.15 an hour.  It doesn’t help that I never learned to mop properly.

Spurred by this development, I have turned to the temp agency route in an attempt to get any job that doesn’t make me want to shower four times in 28 hours, as I did yesterday.  Today, I went to two temp agencies, one of which offered me a job that I now realize I can’t get to, and the other of which turned out to be a crack den.

I went into Labor Ready, the aforementioned crack den, having heard that it’s basically for people absolutely desperate for money.  One of the first things I encountered on the application was an “offer” to pay you the same day you complete your work for one of their clients, and, for a nominal fee, to give it to you in cash.  Once I got through the 73-question (!) questionnaire portion of the application, I was fully aware that the reason that Labor Ready employees are desperate for money is that, in fact, they are all crack addicts.

Here are some sample questions.  Remember that these are word for word, aside from my snarky sectioning.

(But before we get to them: it was pretty weird to copy these questions down.  I mean, here I was filling out a 73-question questionnaire so that I could get a job, but I was much more involved with documenting how awesome these questions were.  I felt like a journalist among the natives, trying to blend in but obviously superior and detached.  This of course led to feeling like an elitist asshole who wasn’t desperate enough (yet?) to actually take a place like this seriously, a guy who was there just for kicks and somehow thought he was better than these poor fucking saps who hang around Labor Ready hoping they’ll get a chance to move some heavy equipment in a nearby town for some quick cash.  Plus, not only was I worried that they’d yell at me for blatantly taking extensive notes on their application process, but I was worried that I wasn’t worried enough to stop doing it.  Okay, on to the questions:

Section I: Fear and Loathing in Temp Work

When do you most often drink?

A) While working.

B) While driving.

C) Just before work.

D) I rarely or never drink.

When do you most often smoke marijana?

A) At work or school.

B) On my own time.

C) I rarely smoke.

D) I never smoke.

If you took a drug test today, you:

A) Would definitely pass.

B) Might not pass.

C) Would probably fail.

D) Would definitely fail.

How often do you use recreational drugs (aside from pot)?

A) Daily.

B) Weekly.

C) Monthly.

D) Seldom or never.

Which of the following drugs do you take on a regular basis?

A) Psilocybin, DOM, SDP, MDX

B) Ecstasy, Crank, Crystal, Ice

C) Tranks, Downers, Barbs

D) None of the above.

Which of the following drugs do you take on a regular basis?

A) Hashish, Hash, THC

B) Glue, Poppers, Ether, Inhalants

C) PCP, Angel Dust

D) None of the above.

Which of the following drugs do you take on a regular basis?

A) Cocaine, Coke, Snow, Crack

B) LSD, Acid, Mescaline, Peyote

C) Heroin, Opium

D) None of the above.

Which of the following drugs do you take on a regular basis?

A) Morphine, Methadone, Oxycotin

B) Speed, Meth, Bennies, Dex

C) Valium, Quaaludes, (Ludes)

D) None of the above.

Section II: Fuck Work!

How much in cash have you taken secretly from work in the last year?

A) $501 or up.

B) $26-$500.

C) $5-25.

D) None.

How often have you taken something from a store secretly without paying for it?

A) Often.

B) Occasionally.

C) Rarely.

D) Never.

How often have you secretly taken things from work because your boss is unfair to you?

A) Often.

B) Occasionally.

C) Rarely.

D) Never.

How much in cash value have you taken from work because a close friend needed it?

A) $501 or up.

B) $26-$500.

C) $5-25.

D) None.

How often have you secretly taken things from work because you feel underpaid?

A) Often.

B) Occasionally.

C) Rarely.

D) Never.

When you’ve needed money badly, have you ever faked an injury at work to receive worker’s compensation?

A) Yes.

B) No.

How often have you faked an injury to collect worker’s compensation?

A) Only once.

B) Only twice.

C) Several times.

D) Never.

Section III: Everybody was Kung Fu Stupid

Have you ever had to physically defend yourself?

A) Yes.

B) No.

Have you ever been so angry at a person that you wanted to hit them?

A) Yes.

B) No.

How important is it to be skilled in fighting with your hands or fists if necessary?

A) Very important.

B) Somewhat important.

C) Not very important.

D) Not important at all.

Would you agree that sooner or later, everyone has to physically defend themselves?

A) Strongly agree.

B) Agree.

C) Disagree.

D) Strongly disagree.

How often have you met a person so rude (hostile, mean) that they deserve to be hit?

A) Often.

B) Sometimes.

C) Rarely.

D) Never.

Would you agree that people would take advantage of you if you were afraid to hit them?

A) Strongly agree.

B) Agree.

C) Disagree.

D) Strongly disagree.

Would you agree that you have the right to hit a person who purposefully (intentionally) causes you trouble?

A) Strongly agree.

B) Agree.

C) Disagree.

D) Strongly disagree.

And some last comments before I have to go to fucking Burger King for the last few hours remaining of the day.

The conclusion you can reach from these questions is this: the only people that Labor Ready will not hire are the people who not only engage in highly illegal activities, but are too stupid to know to lie about it on a job application.

Also, I love the phrasing of this gem:

How often have you faked an injury to collect worker’s compensation?

A) Only once.

B) Only twice.

C) Several times.

D) Never.

Isn’t that great?  They’re trying to tempt people into picking A or B because it doesn’t sound too bad with the word “only” prepended.

And in closing: I hope you found these questions as entertaining as I did, because it took me an awfully long time to write them in my notebook and to transcribe them into the blog.  (Almost makes up for not blogging for a couple weeks.  Kind of.  Okay, not really.)

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2 Responses to “Update: Working at Burger King and Discovering the Most Hilarious Temp Agency in Existence”

  1. annoying Says:

    LOL! Well, I think I’d do exceptionally well on their application, or exceptionally badly, depending on how you look at it. If they’ll hire anyone, they may not believe anyone who scores too well on their questionnaire. I don’t drink or take drugs; I’m not going to steal from my workplace (ok, maybe an occasional piece of paper, ‘cuz I, ya know, wrote on it or something); and I’m not likely to beat people up. I probably wouldn’t be able to beat anyone up anyway. I agree with the not being desperate enough to work for them.

    How many questions were about drug usage? Yeesh, that’s pretty much your whole first section.

    The real question is (or, should I say, questions are): would working for Labor Ready be worse than working for Burger King? And if so, by how much?

    On a slightly different note: I have a friend who might technically have faked an injury, depending on how you look at it. He hurt his wrist on the job and went to a doctor to get a brace for it. After it had mostly healed and he didn’t need it as long as he worked lightly, his doctor (who knew the reputation of the place he worked) told him to keep wearing the brace because he would be overworked otherwise.

  2. snitschke Says:

    Oh. My. God.

    That whole thing is retarded.

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